Most people know me as a cheerful person. I like to laugh, I like to make jokes, I like to prank people. It was already in me as a child, in class I was often the rascal, in the family I was the one who prepared and performed skits. I like to be on a stage, and I show that I enjoy my work.
As a woman, that joy seems a bit lessened. Not that I feel less comfortable as a woman, on the contrary, it always feels like an upgrade, but I hold back a bit. Maybe because there is still some uncertainty, maybe I need to get used to it a bit more, but sometimes I do wonder why Louise is less playful.
It is exactly this frivolity that I find so attractive in being a woman. It’s stereotypical when I say this, but female frivolity is different from male frivolity. The warm smile of the waitress, the cute dance steps on the dance floor, the flowery pins in the hair… As if the childlike playfulness is allowed to exist longer in female adults.
On facebook I follow Christina Surdu, a fashionista who always comes up with beautiful outfits. There are of course many fashionistas on social media, but what she gives me is instant happiness. That smile on her face, the way she moves, how she plays with her dress and earrings… Not only does it make me happy to look at her, I also recognize myself in it, and yet it doesn’t quite come out yet.
It came up at the psychologist. She went into it a little deeper, and then it dawned on me. The fact that I dare to be Louise is precisely an expression of my playfulness. That recognition hit me emotionally.
Indeed, there is something playful about appearing feminine. The bright colors, the rich patterns, the fine fabrics, the little details that make the difference. There is something playful about tinkling earrings, a flower in the hair, a red toenail. It’s a way of expressing myself. It’s something essential about myself. It’s how I show who I am.
There is still some reluctance, but I realize now that it will fade away. That, too, makes me hopeful. Those aspects of me that I used to think I would have to hide forever may and will come out, because… this is me. And I cannot hide who I am.
It looks like a game, but it is a serious game. The form is playful, the content is something essential.