Gone is the indifference to what I will wear! Gone forever! In the past, I used to not care that much. I do remember a few nice shirts and a few nice pants over all these decades, but those were the exceptions to the rule: Boys’ clothes were and still are boring. It really didn’t matter that much to me what I was wearing. Now it seems the most important thing in my personal life.
In the meantime, my woman’s wardrobe has actually “matured” quite a bit. There is more and more choice. Skirts, dresses, pants, and tops in different shapes, fabrics, colors, and styles. Some pieces accentuate the shape of my body, or part of it, while others just create a lot of space. And with choice comes choice stress. What shall I wear today?
I notice that my clothing choice is influenced by several aspects. One – very logical – is the weather. Is it hot or cold outside? The trivial rule of thumb is: you dress warm when it’s cold, and you dress light when it’s warm. A logical correlation to which I adhered, at least in the case of boys’ clothes. In the case of women’s clothes, I sometimes want to break that logical link, and still face the cold, because I am so keen on that knee-length dress after all! Thin nylon stockings then provide a little more warmth. And what an advantage I now have in really hot weather! No one looks up at a woman with bare shoulders or bare legs. Cheers to light summer dresses!
A second aspect is the occasion. I don’t want to be overdressed, nor do I want to be underdressed. Going to the hairdresser or to the store, it may be more sober. For a date with a friend or a visit to the museum, it may be a bit more frivolous. And hell yeah, parties! What a feast! There, I can shine ten times more with a fancy dress than with a costume that has costed ten times more.
And then there’s that hard-to-measure aspect of my mood. How am I feeling today? What am I in the mood for? Clothes that are loose fitting, gently covering my body? Or may it be a little tighter and more closely fitted? Am I in the mood for bright colors, or do I feel more comfortable in black today? A pair of pants, a dress, or a skirt? It’s hard to explain where a particular desire comes from. It’s kind of like with food: one time I might fancy a Vietnamese salad, another time an Italian panini. Why? No idea. And I’m not afraid of changing my clothes several times a day!
Finally, the trickiest aspect: Who am I going to see today? What was I wearing the previous times when I met that person? Because indeed, for some reason I want to avoid that person seeing me in the same clothes as a previous time. So as a result, I have to develop a memory for what I wore when. And somehow that skill comes naturally. Without too much effort, I can remember what I wore at my first appointment with the speech therapist (black high waisted pants with bows around the ankles and around the waist and a multicolor blouse), during my visit to the photo museum last year (a short beige and blue plaid skirt and a blue turtleneck), during my first lesson with the makeup artist (a red plaid shirt dress), when I went to the Rainbow House last year (vintage cobalt blue dress), when I visited a new friend at her home during the pandemic (gray knit dress),…
It’s an innate skill, that memory. At least, that’s what I like to convince myself. Somehow this talent does confirm that this woman inside has always been there.
3 thoughts on “What to wear”
you describe it so well Lucca, as a boy a pair of pants and a shirt and it is ok. but nowadays as a youngster female :), when i know i am going somewhere , i think about what i should wear four days in advance . and the same day i change it anyway. but how nice that we have the choice in this .
in the female world clothes are much more a sign of their persona then compared with the male world .
and like you write at the end , this woman inside has always been there.
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Dear Louise, It is so lovely to hear your voice again in your inspiring writing. I will have been on a moderate to strong course of estradiol for two years this coming April and have made great progress in my own feminization, but I have yet to emerge into the world with the confidence that you have so well earned. I look forward to hearing more about your progress and the joys of femininity that we share. With love, Laurianna O o x x x o O
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Dear Laurianna, how nice to meet you again in this different place. I wish you all the luck with your gender journey. Hugs and Kisses!