I understand her.
I understand it’s not easy for her to meet Louise. Seeing her husband in a skirt, that’s one thing. But seeing him wearing a wig, prostheses and makeup, is another. She knows that there is this woman in me. She can live with that fact, and she knows it won’t go away. But she doesn’t want to see that woman.
I’m trying to reverse the roles.
One day she says she wants to tell me something. She says she secretly wears my clothes when I’m not home. She says she feels great when she does that. With tears in her eyes she says she wants to go all the way, with short hair, and a fake beard.
I’m imagining it.
She looks good… as a man. She’s done her best. She’s a handsome man, a bit androgynous. She looks a little like Leonardo in his young days. She smiles when she sees me seeing her, a little shy and insecure.
If this was a joke, this would be no big deal, but it isn’t a joke. She shows who she wants to be, even if only occasionally.
She’s handsome as a he, but not attractive to me. I don’t really know that person, or at least not that aspect of it. It’s weird. Uncomfortable.
I put the roles back, and I decide not to impose Louise.
I give her space. And time. She doesn’t have to see her now.