Can you feel it?

The feminine look, I always appreciated it because I found it so much more attractive. The longer hair, with more volume, with more curls, decorated with clips and bows. The beautiful clothes with vivid colors, soft fabrics, playful patterns, elegant shapes. So much variation. The way women move, beautifully upright, graceful, dancing, stylish. The jewelry, the makeup, the shoes… All a treat for the eye.

I hear from many trans women that their adventure began at a young age. Some started with mother’s or sister’s beautiful shoes, others with a skirt or dress, others with a bra or silky top. Every trans woman seems to have had one of those introductory items. With me, it was a skirt. A mid-length white skirt in satin. I loved looking at myself in the mirror, or lying on the bed looking at my little legs coming out from under the skirt. I loved what I saw.

But it wasn’t just what I saw that I liked. I also liked the feeling of a skirt so much. So much freedom. The feeling of being a little more bare, and occasionally consciously feeling how the fabric caressed my legs.

Since my acceptance, I have expanded my closet considerably, with stuff that I only got to know at a much later age. Stuff that I find beautiful, for the eye. But what strikes me more and more is how those clothes and accessories also feel different. That diversity of tactile sensations also gives me great joy.

• The narrow skirt in stretch fabric, which seems to embrace my legs, offering a little resistance to the movements I make when I step.
• My hair that has grown longer, and the long curly locks that touch my cheeks when I shake my head.
• The strap of my bra slipping off my shoulder, which I have to pull back into place.
• The tights that not only make my legs more beautiful, but also provide a protective layer to my legs, as if they were safely wrapped, in a very sensual material.
• The shoes with a heel that make me feel a little lifted, and force me to walk nice and straight.
• The earrings that pull a little on my earlobes with every movement.
• The mascara that makes my eyelashes heavier, so that blinking my eyes involves a minuscule amount of extra effort.
• The high-waisted skirt that gently hugs my body in a place I’m not used to.
• The dress with wide boat neck, or the top without sleeves, which show parts of my body. Parts that used to be always covered, and where now the air has free play.

Sometimes I try to be very aware of it. Then I start to feel it consciously. Experiences that were missing in my life for too long, and which I therefore have to compensate for.

Oh, what a sensually shabby life men have….