My first time out

Dear L,

It happened. I did it. I went out. For the first time. And now, of course, you’re wondering what it was like, but you already know that. I want to be honest with you, L, it wasn’t easy. I enjoyed it, but not to the fullest, not every second. There was also fear and doubt, and they didn’t disappear by themselves.

Sometimes I even feel a little guilty that I didn’t enjoy it 100%, but maybe I should learn to be patient. Girlfriends tell me it gets better and better every time, and that it becomes more fun and enjoyable. Well, in that case, I have a lot to look forward to.

Let me start at the beginning. At Julie’s house, in her studio. My second makeup session at her place. And she’s so patient, and so sweet. It’s a very natural thing for her, and that’s so nice. This was pure quality time.

And then outside, with Julie. She had the camera. I was the model. There were people outside. Men, women, children. Often I felt like they were staring at me. Sometimes I had the feeling that they could see that I’m not an ordinary woman. Probably I imagined it all, but I couldn’t find the button to turn those thoughts off. I have to keep practicing. But all in all, it was nice.

And then I also wanted to have a walk on my own. In Brussels, on Avenue Louise. My Avenue 😉 And I saw things I didn’t expect. My shadow. It wasn’t your shadow anymore. It was mine. And I’d never seen it before. I saw the silhouette of a woman. That was very special.

My reflections in the glass. I didn’t see you anymore. I saw me. Not very clear, not very sharp, but it was me. And I had never seen me like that.

There was wind. It was playing with my hair. Playing with my skirt. What a special feeling.

I saw women wearing pretty clothes. Funny enough, that jealous feeling came back. “Why can’t I wear things like that?” Apparently, my automatic brain forgot that I was wearing pretty things. Outside, on the street. Wow! Yet, there was still a difference: These women were relaxed, I wasn’t. But some day I will.

And the good news, L, is that the memories get finer every day. The positive ones grow, the negative ones ebb away. I’m proud. Proud of myself. Thanks for your support. Thanks for being there with me.

Hugs and kisses,

Louise