Reconstructing my youth

I had a happy childhood. Really, I did. There were some difficult moments, but the kind everyone has to deal with at some point.

Still, I’m experiencing some kind of loss these days. I’ve only recently accepted being a transgender person. For years I did a lot of things secretly, and I was ashamed for them. Now I acknowledge the woman in me. However, she doesn’t have a rich history.

Sometimes I imagine that history. What if…? What if I’d found out sooner? What if none of this was a big deal?

The other day, I found this picture. What struck me immediately: I used to look very much like the person in the picture. At one point, my haircut was even like that. There’s another photo of me at my parents’ place. And then in that picture I see myself, as a young boy, wearing that dress. As if nothing is the matter. As if I’ve just told my mother that I’m going to play outside. And that she answered with: “Be careful!”

Does this help? In a way, it does. I like these thoughts. They’re just fantasies, but they help me make up for the lost time. I do wonder, do others like me do the same?

Apparently, this picture comes from an old Polish television series “A Girl and a Boy”. It’s the story about the siblings Tomek and Tosia who switch roles. Disguised as a boy, Tosia goes instead of her brother to their uncle. In this situation, Tomek is forced to go to his aunt in his sister’s dress.

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